A Beautiful Day

Before it's too late

It's a long story and I have little time so for now, I'll make this short:

I don't know my biological dad. He signed my brother and me off for adoption when I was 7 years old. He went on to have a new wife and family and never called nor wrote nor inquired as to our well-being.
It most definitely caused a lifelong struggle with security and esteem and abandonment issues. When he left he left a hole that could never be filled - it made me permanently weird inside. I worked a long time to make peace with it. The passage of time, some therapy, and having a family of my own has taken most of the edge off. Nowadays I'm simply curious - about my heritage, ethnicity, health history. I wonder what he's like and if we have anything in common. I wonder these things for myself but lately, more importantly, for my sons. I don't need a relationship with him. I don't need an apology. I do need to talk with him though. Before it's too late I need to talk with him.

Last night I decide that I've put off meeting him long enough - I haven't talked with him in over 35 years and decide if I'm ever to talk with him and get some info and perhaps a little closure, I'd better do it soon before he gets too old and something happens. Rather easily, I find my half-brother on the internet. Almost compulsively, I write. I press send. He wrote back this morning.

My biological father was diagnosed with lung cancer which has spread to his lymph nodes and stomach - this was 2-3 weeks ago. He has 3-6 months to live.

Holy shit.

I'm not sure how this is going to go.

Turf Wars, Blooms, Hot Coffee and Coxsackie

Smacky hates the twins. He hates, hates, hates them - and always kind of has. Now that they're cruising (very ready to walk), they've completely invaded his land -which in his mind means every object or surface below 37" - which, you see, has always been his (and the dogs, whom he micromanages exquisitely). Until now. Daily, these new occupiers pillage his train set and raid his toy table. And when the ruling queen admonishes him (kindly, but firmly) for lashing out at the aggressors and defending what is rightfully his, he is left defeated and bitter and angry at everyone.

Dodder Cowan says it's all about this age, and by summer, when they're all walking, it will be much better.
Until then though, how will I cope? Smacky's pushing, hitting - even biting - the twins. I'm in the process of corralling special no one but Smacky can ever touch these toys to a baby-free zone. Beyond that, there isn't much to do but supervise. If this is my future people, stick a fork in me because there's just no way... I mean, if this keeps up, just have me committed right now.

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I found this pic from a few months ago of a scarf I crocheted for my niece. It's called the bloom scarf and it's a free (!) pattern.

It was very easy and quick (I almost finished it in one train ride) and it's probably a great way to use up some of your stash as the color combinations/possibilities are endless.

Oh, and I'm done with knitting class. It has to do with sick children, a traveling husband, my mom's train being late - I am just never able to make it and with so many women on a waiting list to get in, if I can't go, even if I pay for my space in the roster, I've got to give it up. You know it's bad when the knit shop owner comes into the bagel place to buy a coffee just before class, sees you accidentally dump a cup of hot coffee down your front, sees you dripping wet trying to find more napkins and that you're quite uncomfortable because your undies are saturated with a too hot beverage and doesn't ask if you're okay but rather kind of tsk tsks that you're not making it to class yet again and would let everyone know that you tried to make it. I was too pathetic and soaked to even sit in my car, nevermind try to attend that class, and defeated, I just went home. S suggested that perhaps the universe is is nudging me toward something else...that something that is supposed to be relaxing and fun shouldn't be such a stressful struggle. He's right.

On a final note, Smacky's the last victim in the coxsackie virus loop in this house. If the past is any predictor of the future, we've got one more day of fever and he should be back to his old self. I hope. I really hate seeing them so sick.

Baaaad Blogger (and a bunch of updates)

My apologies to all the kind people who've been checking in here lately only to find out I haven't written anything - AGAIN. Sometimes, I suppose, every writer (even a silly blogger) needs to take a break and immerse her(him)self in the richness that is life. And this past week has indeed been decadent - - when you're with great friends who get you and respect the differences and are just damn happy to be with you -- I mean, how much better than that does it get? KT and her brood left earlier today. And I fought the urge to sob...I so miss her and this week only reminded me why. I could go on and on but I'd bore all of you - point is, I wish we could just keep going. It was loud and messy and crowded and there were a couple of moments of tension with the kids here and there but it was all good. Smacky matured tremendously these past few days. The twins just loved all the commotion. KT's kids (boy/girl 3 yr old twins and 5 yr old boy) are growing up into amazing children who taught me (and all of us) so much.

Today we put all the young ones in straightjackets and were able to squeeze in a little studio time:

This sweet li'l bag is based on the artsy clutch featured in angry chicken's book. Okay, it basically IS that very same clutch. But KT and me? We don't need to stinkin pattern. We made it ourselves y'all. The bananas were thrown in the pic for color. I'm thinking by tomorrow they'll be bread.

So cute, no? We're inspired. And I'm kidding about the straightjackets (DUH) -we just left her husband upstairs to deal with them. And he did a stellar job.

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KT and I were talking about my health at one point, and I told her it's been great in between treatments - it's just the days just before and after the infusion that I've been really struggling with - and she suggested that I hadn't put that down here - that I kind of left it that Soliris wasn't really agreeing with me at all, and she was right - I haven't really updated about that. SO...as of now, you should know that Soliris has been remarkable in giving me more endurance and stamina. I'm still dealing with Cdiff and just started yet another round of antibiotics to fend off the chronic respiratory stuff, so it's not all glorious, but as far as the whole PNH anemia thing goes, Soliris is working. It does seem to be running out on me a bit early - Dr. Cutting Edge wonders if a 13-day interval might be better for me, but for now, we're watching and working on it. And I'm not entirely hating it. I'm still sick, but functioning better (make sense? I hope?).

*****

Early Intervention came out to reassess J for continuance in the program. Since he's been cruising and eating everything in the fridge and yapping up a storm I thought for sure we were going to get walking papers (a pun!). Apparently that's not the case...our new concern? I was surprised: language. His (very cute and nonstop) babbling isn't the repetitive-consonant kind, and apparently twins can lapse into a comfort zone of mispronunciation where as long as they can understand each other, it's difficult to motivate them to really learn their primary language. And apparently he's not yet to where they'd "like to see him." We'll get the full report during our meeting two Mondays from now. Z's reassessment is this coming Tuesday.

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Mother's Day is Sunday. S left for Brazil today and won't be back until next weekend. Before I got too bummed out about being alone on such an occasion (and of all years, this one), he dropped a new Ipod on me - he accompanied me to my last treatment and agreed that since getting infused is a lifetime deal I most certainly could use some sort of "really lightweight portable movie-watcher" (my words, not his) and my old Ipod is, well, old. He had it engraved, which was sweet. But still. After this past year it's hard to feel like I don't deserve a full staff for the day - here to serve my every whim -complete with someone tossing rose petals wherever I am to place my royal feet. I'll give him a chance and see what he comes up with when he returns. As it turns out, MIL doesn't want to be alone either and offered to cook for us both and bring the food over and help me watch the littles. I took her up on it...she makes good food and for some reason loves changing poopie diapers. Hey, at least for that one day I can be poop-free, right? And lest I completely forget myself and from whence I have come, let me state that I am of course profoundly grateful that I have these little babes who call (or know) me as mommy. They are quite something, these three.

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Reunion!

We spent last night and today surrounded by a boatload of good friends and kids (three sets of twins in this house!) visiting from near and far. We're exhausted but really happy.
KT and her kiddles are spending THE WEEK!!! Heaven. If I'm quiet here it's because we're too busy being loud IRL, making memories and having a ball.

All about the granny square

Okay, so I'm busy - you all already know that and so I don't need to illustrate or belabor the point. My main challenge this year has been how to organize my time so that I keep my priorities and at the end of the day manage to keep it all together and feel at least somewhat content -or at least fulfilled enough to look forward to the next day. But that's a post (or a series, actually) in itself.

POINT IS...I wanted to post some crochet pics. But just before doing that I googled the author of this book (which has been my knitting inspiration as of late) and found her blog and her post featuring what else - granny squares - the exact subject I wanted to post about today. Don't you love synchronicity? And the cacaphony of color in her squares?

Anyhoo, Susan kind of rocks so I've linked her and will most likely buy her other book - if you're a novice knitter like myself, you'll love the way she presents her patterns...she also includes a kickbutt guide to stitches which I find to be more useful and comprehensive than most others I've seen. I'm working on the Olive You! hat - I'm going to leave you in suspense and not post any pics until it's done, but I promise you it's the sweetest thing EVER.

Onward, to talking about my granny squares -

First things first: the purl bee has hands-down the best tutorial for making them. I scoured the internet searching for instructions that didn't leave me hanging and this one was it. If you're interested and want to learn and it's midnight and your mom/grandma/aunt isn't available, this is where to go...grab your crochet hook and some yarn and within a few minutes you'll have your first square finished (promise!).

After playing around a bit I decided that granny squares were quite possibly the most perfectly transportable and mindless project - the exact work for when a minute or two of unexpected free time hits (which is instrumental in helping me to feel creatively fulfilled in the midst of babytoddler chaos). They're also perfect for the park, playground, waiting rooms, trains, the beach, and (ahem) chemo - because when interrupted you can just toss it down and unlike knitting, it's so easy to pick up where you left off. Because crochet works up so quickly, there's a sweet gratification factor - it's time well-spent. And being that I'm a quilter at heart, the idea of creating patchwork with yarn is near and dear. So because I fell in love with the concept and the execution itself, I decided since I was going to be making a lot of these squares, I thought I might as well go for it and make an afghan for our bed...our KING-sized bed.

They're darling, no?

So pretty. Here's my progress thus far:

For the center, there are greens and pinks and a dusty violet and some more yellows waiting to be worked. I figure I'm about 1/6th of the way there- which means I'll be spending a good part of my summer working on squares.

Can't say I mind that one bit.

One caveat: I'm using Vanna's Choice by Lion Brand yarn; I purchased a few initial skeins to play with (the price was too sweet to pass up) and before I knew it I was pretty far into my project and so went and purchased quite a bit more. It's an acrylic and part of me feels like I really should have opted for a cotton or wool/cotton blend, but I'm too far in to start all over. I will say though that Vanna's yarn feels very soft yet is strong and works up beautifully - the colors are also very complimentary and gentle and pleasing to the eye. If you've got to go acrylic, I think this is the way to go. But for the next time I'm thinking of using something more natural and/or organic.

Quick update: J is feeling much better; now Z is working through the same virus. His fever has been controlled and we're hoping that by tomorrow we'll be able to wean him off the Tylenol/Motrin regimen.
Poor guy. Sick or not - they are both completely up and mobile and cruising. Oy.

Elizabeth

Smacky's being doing wonderfully now that we've been seeing Dodder Cowan (Dr. Cohen) regularly...the doc was dead on about his personality and how easily sensory overload can make him nervous. Remember we were dealing with a fear of snow? Well, now that the snow is gone, his concern has transfered to bugs and all things flying. And as we've learned, the best way to help him is to educate, educate, educate, and then let him find his comfort zone.

In the springtime our yard is chock full of bumblebees and songbirds (we live just across the street from conservation land and so see a good share of visitors)- to us, they're a sign of happy weather and abundance. To Smacky, they are loud, fast and random creatures -unpredictable and disruptive to a young boy who is alert to every last detail in the world and just wants a little peace while he's trying to ride his trike. Too often I've been hearing let's go inside when it's 70 and sunny and, well, just too nice to even think of it. So I've been working on it with him.

First, I taught him about bees and how very important they are to the world and even though they sound scary, unless he tries to hurt them they will pretty much leave him alone. To empower him, I suggested that when a bee comes near and he feels nervous, just tell the bee I'm not a flower, and walk away slowly. It's been working and kinda cute when he's out of sight with the kids somewhere and you hear a distant I'M NOT A FLOWER!

Next we had to tackle the birds. I showed him how when chased, they will always fly away, and that they really want no part of him. I explained how they make their nests in our gutters and all over our yard and that they fly close simply to get home and would never bump into him. They go "superfast" because it helps them to fly better. And as I began teaching him, I noticed the birds and who lived where. I started learning their patterns and songs. The standout? A loud, ubiquitous red cardinal, who has clearly declared our property "his," who has a nest deep in a large hollybush. He's all over the place and likes to go up way high and yell all day. He's easy to see (duh) because of his color.

And because he's always around, what better bird to name and track and make familiar? Shall we give him a name? I posed to Smacky. "Yes," was his response. "Elizabeth."
But the red bird is a boy, I countered. Maybe he'd like a boy's name better? Elizabeth is a girl's name.
Smacky shook his head and flatly refused. "No, his name is Elizabeth", he said.

And so it was, and so it is.

(Sorry Liz :-))!

104.8

Poor J. He began a fever yesterday and it hasn't let up. When today it defied Motrin and continued to skyrocket, I called the pedi and brought him in. He was hot. And uncomfortable. And babbling his B sounds miserably which broke. my. heart.

Temp: 104.8. Ew.

Strep: negative (did you know strep is rare for kiddos under 2 years old?). Urine test (he peed in the bag and avoided the dreaded catheter): negative. Ears: good. No puking. No runny nose, no cough. But his throat - ah yeeeee -
he has white spots all over the joint. The pedi says it's mostly likely a virus which has been quite popular with the tiny ones lately and the fever should break by or near Friday. In the meantime, we're to keep him comfortable and watch his fluids. We've added Tylenol to the agenda. Thus far it's helped - he's eating and drinking and even got giggly after we dosed him, but he totally just wants his mommy and is for the most part, listless. So sad.

After a long, blissful period of the kids feeling good, I find I've forgotten this ugly worry that overtakes me when they're sick. I hate it.

I'm counting the hours until Z flares up.

Bisphenol A and salt in the wound

As if there isn't enough to worry about when raising tiny beings, I get this in my inbox the other day. I kind of knew it was coming but was hoping against hope it wouldn't:

Dear MomsRising.org member,

The evidence is mounting. After years of concern about the safety of baby bottles, children's care products, and other food and beverage containers which contain the chemical bisphenol A (BPA), the verdict is in--and it's not good.

Yesterday the Canadian government announced it is planning to ban the use of BPA in baby bottles, and declared BPA dangerous.[1] And, earlier this week, the Los Angeles Times reported that the U.S. based National Institutes of Health (NIH) concluded that there is "some concern" that babies, fetuses, and children are in danger because BPA harms animals at the low levels found in nearly all human bodies.[2] Sadly, a recent study found this chemical in all five leading brands of American baby bottles.

It's enough to sink any mother's stomach.

Let's take a second to take a collective deep breath, and then mobilize for major action. Sign a petition calling for the CEOs of the leading manufacturers of baby bottles to stop the use of BPA in our baby bottles and other children's products.

TAKE ACTION: http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/1768/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=1177

Sign on now and we'll send the petition to the CEOs of Avent, Disney/First Years, Dr. Brown's, Evenflo, Gerber, and Playtex in collaboration with Center for Health, Environment, & Justice and other organizations.

*Can you also forward this email to five of your friends so they can sign too?

The more signatures, we have, the more the CEOs will get the message that consumers want healthy products, not toxins. With the current media attention on BPA, this is a critical moment to take advantage of that momentum and push these CEOs to stop using it in baby bottles.

WHAT DOES BPA DO? Growing children are especially at risk to chemicals as they face greater exposure per pound of body weight. Even fetuses are susceptible as chemicals, including BPA, cross the placenta in pregnant women. Over 130 studies suggest that BPA exposure, even at low doses, is linked to many health problems, including early puberty, breast and prostate cancer, obesity, attention and hyperactivity disorder, brain damage, altered immune system, and lower sperm counts.[3]

This is a widespread issue which we need to address together. A 2007 study by the Environment California Research and Policy Center found that all five leading brands of baby bottles leached BPA at levels found to cause harm in numerous laboratory studies.[4]

It is time for all parents to take action!

*Click below to sign the petition now:

http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/1768/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=1177

Thanks for your work on behalf of all children.

- Donna, Rachel, Kristin, Joan, Anita, and the MomsRising Team

P.S. For tips on how to limit exposure to BPA, see: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/15/AR2008041502161.html

[1] http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/04/18/ST2008041803545.html

[2] http://www.latimes.com/features/health/medicine/la-na-plastic16apr16,1,498138.story

[3] http://www.environmentcalifornia.org/environmental-health/stop-toxic-toys/bisphenol-a-overview

[4] http://www.environmentcalifornia.org/reports/environmental-health/environmental-health-reports/toxic-baby-bottles

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All I can think of right now is back in the early days when my mom would help me with the infants , and would INSIST ON BOILING THE BOTTLES TO ENSURE THEY WEREN'T CONTAMINATED. OFTEN. So much for avoiding leaching by not heating. Here I was thinking I was doing the right thing: purchasing Dr. Browns to give my children 'the best' (for the colic reduction). And the entire time I was harming them. I can't accurately describe what I'm feeling right now. Betrayal is a beginning. Heartsick is another.

I've ordered a Born-Free kit off the internet and have starting researching other options. I'll share my findings when I know something. Some say this is all hysteria, but I think that even if a substance even has a known potential to cause harm, its continued use, especially when it comes to our smallest and most helpless, is obscene. Corporate profit once again trumps consumer well-being. Between this and China's penchant for lead paint, we can no longer assume anything is safe for our children. And that sucks.

In the meantime, spread the word.

*Commenters to this post be warned: if you are tempted to state the obvious and just have to mention breastfeeding, you will be permanently banned from this site. Despite what you may know to be true, there are many of us who just CAN'T do it and now is not the time to say I told you so.

Last Sunday

I only just a few minutes ago found a free moment to download photos from last Sunday's party. There are literally no pictures to keep or blow up or put in a frame...getting five people to pose and look great at the same time is hard - with three kids we need the planets to line up.

Seriously, this is as "together" as we'll ever look:

Perhaps at the next lunar eclipse we can get something wall-worthy. Whatever. We had a cheery time, though I was straight out. My usual "help" (Mom, MIL) were busy socializing and I basically exhausted myself by trying to run a party while caring for three littles. There were complaints about me not taking enough pictures of the grandparents and how terrible it was that J cried at the church - if I baptized them earlier that wouldn't have happened and who was going to sit where because the aunts all have to sit together and honestly, why at such events do we wind up with unhappy stressed-out people? It's a party - meant to be enjoyed. There was good food, an open bar, nice music, ambience, lots of babies, family... why is it so easy for some to forget what really matters? Thank goodness for my sister, who, as always, took up my slack.

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In other news, Z is cruising and crawling up steps. J is only slightly behind him. Gawd.