A Beautiful Day

Sadness

We buried Gram yesterday and I feel hollow - like if you tapped on me I'd sound like I don't know - just empty inside. I did a reading at the service (which was in CT) and then traveled down to NYC for the burial. S and Smacky attended the service and then headed back home. I caught a ride with Sissy and stuck around for the rest of it, catching a 7 PM train at Penn Station to head back to Boston. It was delayed, and I got home around 11ish. It was a looooong day. I realized that I haven't really grieved yet...it will come. I know how this goes (unfortunately). Thanks for your well wishes.

I am feeling reflective and quiet today - and need some alone time. I realize I've been a slacker blogger but will catch up when I can - have lots of posts in my head.

Bye Grammy

Gram died last night. She had pneumonia for a while - she was struggling to breathe. She was 93 and lived a good, long life.
I got to say goodbye.
But still - - so sad. She was an angel.

Before it's too late

It's a long story and I have little time so for now, I'll make this short:

I don't know my biological dad. He signed my brother and me off for adoption when I was 7 years old. He went on to have a new wife and family and never called nor wrote nor inquired as to our well-being.
It most definitely caused a lifelong struggle with security and esteem and abandonment issues. When he left he left a hole that could never be filled - it made me permanently weird inside. I worked a long time to make peace with it. The passage of time, some therapy, and having a family of my own has taken most of the edge off. Nowadays I'm simply curious - about my heritage, ethnicity, health history. I wonder what he's like and if we have anything in common. I wonder these things for myself but lately, more importantly, for my sons. I don't need a relationship with him. I don't need an apology. I do need to talk with him though. Before it's too late I need to talk with him.

Last night I decide that I've put off meeting him long enough - I haven't talked with him in over 35 years and decide if I'm ever to talk with him and get some info and perhaps a little closure, I'd better do it soon before he gets too old and something happens. Rather easily, I find my half-brother on the internet. Almost compulsively, I write. I press send. He wrote back this morning.

My biological father was diagnosed with lung cancer which has spread to his lymph nodes and stomach - this was 2-3 weeks ago. He has 3-6 months to live.

Holy shit.

I'm not sure how this is going to go.