A Beautiful Day

July 4th - hammock time with cousin Emma, nap imminent

With teacher, first day of school, summer program

Who's walking whom?

Coolish day at the lake

Why we could all use a little Smacky

You know when you get your hair done differently and people notice and they say, "I see you've changed your hair" instead of wow who does your hair it's totally fierce? Yeah. Well. I'm hearing the former and I'm not too happy about it. It's a color issue so it's easy to fix but still...I hate it when you go to fix a problem (in my case, grays) and come out with a new one (skunky highlights). Smacky however, knows how to make a momma feel better:

Me: Do you like Mommy's hair?

Smacky (pointing to a section of my head) : Yesth. Right theyah (there), it's lellow (yellow). It's so beautiful.

Me: Aw, thanks Smacky.

Smacky: I touch the lellow? It's so beautiful. Nice hair, Momma. I love you.

Me: I love you too baby.

My little champion

We started gymnastics anxious and afraid. Though we very much liked the slides, we weren't crazy about the balance beam. Nor the rings. But mostly, we downright hated the trampoline - trampolines are scary places for kids who always feel off-balance. Or who can't jump.

That was 5 months ago. Look at us now!!

The gym held its olympics last week and Smacky was the ultimate athlete - though he protested during the opening ceremony, once he warmed up he dove into his events with abandon. S, the boys, Nonna, Nonno and LEEEEZ!!! came to enjoy the show.

It was pretty heartwarming, to say the least. He's definitely conquered a lot of his demons...to say he's earned his gold medal is quite the understatement.

Next up for The Smackeroo: 4-day/week integrated preschool, summer session, 9am - noon, beginning the end of June. I'm so excited for him I could implode.

Elizabeth

Smacky's being doing wonderfully now that we've been seeing Dodder Cowan (Dr. Cohen) regularly...the doc was dead on about his personality and how easily sensory overload can make him nervous. Remember we were dealing with a fear of snow? Well, now that the snow is gone, his concern has transfered to bugs and all things flying. And as we've learned, the best way to help him is to educate, educate, educate, and then let him find his comfort zone.

In the springtime our yard is chock full of bumblebees and songbirds (we live just across the street from conservation land and so see a good share of visitors)- to us, they're a sign of happy weather and abundance. To Smacky, they are loud, fast and random creatures -unpredictable and disruptive to a young boy who is alert to every last detail in the world and just wants a little peace while he's trying to ride his trike. Too often I've been hearing let's go inside when it's 70 and sunny and, well, just too nice to even think of it. So I've been working on it with him.

First, I taught him about bees and how very important they are to the world and even though they sound scary, unless he tries to hurt them they will pretty much leave him alone. To empower him, I suggested that when a bee comes near and he feels nervous, just tell the bee I'm not a flower, and walk away slowly. It's been working and kinda cute when he's out of sight with the kids somewhere and you hear a distant I'M NOT A FLOWER!

Next we had to tackle the birds. I showed him how when chased, they will always fly away, and that they really want no part of him. I explained how they make their nests in our gutters and all over our yard and that they fly close simply to get home and would never bump into him. They go "superfast" because it helps them to fly better. And as I began teaching him, I noticed the birds and who lived where. I started learning their patterns and songs. The standout? A loud, ubiquitous red cardinal, who has clearly declared our property "his," who has a nest deep in a large hollybush. He's all over the place and likes to go up way high and yell all day. He's easy to see (duh) because of his color.

And because he's always around, what better bird to name and track and make familiar? Shall we give him a name? I posed to Smacky. "Yes," was his response. "Elizabeth."
But the red bird is a boy, I countered. Maybe he'd like a boy's name better? Elizabeth is a girl's name.
Smacky shook his head and flatly refused. "No, his name is Elizabeth", he said.

And so it was, and so it is.

(Sorry Liz :-))!

Periwinkle

Lately, after the kitchen is all put away and the littles are snug as bugs in their cribs, Smacky and I have been spending our evening bonding time playing with crayons. His favorite book lately is this, so perhaps we'll look back at early '08 and fondly call this his "color phase," though I suspect his focused interest may be fueled a bit by a need to mentally catalogue everything he sees. This cataloguing certainly would include all the new-ish colors we can find in a recently-purchased box of Crayola 48.

To this day I still get a shivery little rush when I open a fresh box of crayons - one whiff just brings me back to being a girl when it meant all manner of creative possibility (well, at least until I discovered these). Imagine my delight upon finding the most adorable new names mixed in with the old standbys:

Mauvelous! Asparagus! Wild Strawberry! Dandelion! Granny Smith Apple! I want that job - I want to be a crayon-namer. Can you imagine how fun that would be? I remember some hoopla a while back about Smith Binney deciding to mix it up - add new colors and rename some and this outraged the uh, Crayola traditionalists. But if you haven't looked lately, I can tell you the box is much happier for it, and you can still find the familiar standbys -
spring green, cadet blue, cornflower, raw sienna - and our favorite, periwinkle.

I've noticed that Smacky is a different kid when he's creating - I suppose that like his mother, throwing himself into making something transports him away from all the pitfalls of being two. There's just something about the right side of the brain that can make things, well, right again. And it's really neat to connect over something so simple as crayons - it really does melt away the 40 years between us...makes us both kids again.
Bless that periwinkle.

Learning to self-soothe and transitioning to a big boy bed

Today I saw Dodder Cohen - this time alone - to talk about Smacky's anxiety and what we need to do to give him the confidence he needs to more calmly handle transitions to new situations. First, we talked about how his nervousness is inherent in his personality - that he's wired this way - basically, born to be cautious and aware and more sensitive to his surroundings, which makes him more vulnerable than others to feelings of fear and panic. He will be this way throughout his life. What is fortunate however is that we're recognizing it early and by working together, we can give him the skills he needs to work through his anxiety. By getting on top of this early, we should be able to avoid medication and help him enjoy all the things a young boy should. Gah, typing that was hard. I hate it that he's suffering, hate that it's no longer a theory but rather quite real, hate it that this isn't just a phase. But whatever. We're working on it. It's all good.

We started by recognizing that although the provision of a stringent routine would be of most comfort to the boy, it's not entirely practical nor does it give him the mindset he needs to navigate this crazy world. And so our approach will begin with instilling confidence in him - starting with mastering the ability to self-soothe.

Smacky still sleeps in our bed. He has since he was 6 months old - until that time he'd been sleeping in his own crib in his own bedroom. In this, our current home, his room is physically distant from ours - and we were uncomfortable with him so far away at night, so we put his crib in our bedroom. It wasn't long before he was just in our bed, where he slept so much better. After that, attempts to get him into his bedroom were started then aborted - my instinct told me over and over again it wasn't a prudent idea. Then the pregnancy started, then the babies, and it never seemed like a "good" time to transition him to his own bed. Of course there's never really any "good" time to do this, especially with a resistant child with chronic separation anxiety whose shrieking protests consistently wake two babies in the next room.
To be certain, the fact that he's still in our bed must have something to do with us and our needs, but the cost is high to S and me, for obvious reasons. We're tired. We miss each other. And I miss watching movies before bed. Before going to sleep we both creep in quietly so as not to disturb him. It's lights out and it's all I can do to enjoy my own pillow...the kid is on top of me for most of the night, growling if I dare nudge him away. But all this time something told me not to push -my one attempt at CIO was so dismal that I vowed to never push again. I agree with Moxie and her theory that CIO with a tension increaser is cruel. And since seeing the pedi late last year when she warned me not to institute any big changes in Smacky's life until he settles down a bit, I haven't.

So I was kind of relieved when Dodder Cowan suggested that it's time, and that yes, CIO for a kid like Smacky would only do him harm and it's probably a very good thing that I haven't caved to pressure and pushed him into his own bed before he was ready. Yes, he needs to learn self-soothing and needs to start sleeping in his own bed but we can do that more in a style suited to his needs...with less drama, more teaching and less freaking out. We need to gently encourage his readiness. How this process goes will teach us a lot about what will work for him in future situations.

Our first step is to take our pre-bedtime routine (just the routine- he'll still sleep in our bed) to his room and not ours. At first we'll just read in his bed...after a few nights, we'll read in his bed with him under the covers. Then we try it with dim lights. During this time, if he actually falls asleep, we still bring him back to our room - the worst thing we can do is try to trick him. When we master this stage and see how he does, we can then take it to the next level.

Sleeping in his own room will boost his confidence and help ease some of his ongoing separation anxiety. Dodder Cowan warned me that he's approaching an age when the dark may really start to frighten him so we're going to take it super slow. And in similar situations - when he's exposed to something new, slow and steady wins the race.

I told Dodder Cowan about Smacky's random comment about him during his little hockey practice a week and a half ago...after pausing, he offered that perhaps on some level, in a way he'd never be able to articulate, Smacky understands that my taking him there was the beginning of helping him to feel better. We can't underestimate what his young mind is capable of knowing and understanding. Indeed, we can't. And I left the good Dodder's office today feeling more connected than ever to my eldest son; feeling confident that I can make a positive difference in helping his hyper-cautious self through an unpredictable life. And I was reminded that we will always enjoy all the yin that comes with his yang: his empathy, affection, his passion for learning, attention to detail, his sense of humor.

And if I pay attention, he'll be able to teach me as much as I'll teach him.
God I love that kid.

Caught red-handed with the camera again. And oh my, we really need to childproof that outlet again, don't we.

Happy while thinking

Is it February already??? One thing I've noticed about becoming a parent is that time now seems to elapse at nothing short of warp speed. I get it now- all those people who keep saying oh, it goes so fast and that one day you'll blink and they'll be in college are kind of on the mark. Anyhoo, today was fairly relatively mild and sunny and so I ventured outside with the Smackeroo to repot some plants and let him totter around and get some fresh air. Once I finished my planting we went around to the front of the house where he grabbed his hockey stick and a golf ball from the garage (any ball will do, really) - I retrieved his net while Lola kindly volunteered to gather and return runaway balls. Before long, Smacky was swinging away, giggling as he came to the realization that the dog actually has some usefulness beyond sucking up particles of fallen food. It wasn't long before one of the neighborhood kids came by to join in the play. And Smacky seemed entirely back to his old self - running around giddily, a big smile pasted on his chilly cheeks, laughing and chatty. I snapped a few pics and watched quietly; I was happy to see him so carefree. I must have been beaming. And, at one point, as if reading my mind, he came over to me and out of nowhere said:

Momma, Dodder Cowan has finderpoppets.
translated: Momma, Dr. Cohen has fingerpuppets.

Dr. Cohen is his psychologist. It's a tad eery that he says this right when I'm deep in thought about his situation, dontcha think?
I agree and tell him yes, Dr. Cohen does have fingerpuppets. Which one was your favorite?

I liked the pink one. That wasth the horse.

Yes it was. That was a good one.
Did you like visiting with Dr. Cohen?

Yessth. He has Thspiderman. We go Dodder Cowan!
And away he went, back to his play.

After Thursday's observation Dr. Cohen did have some conclusions and suggestions but those will have to wait for our next appointment. Fortunately during our visit Smacky exhibited some of his classic behaviors which obviously tells the good doctor more than the most thorough explanation from me ever could. In the meantime, KT gave me a good book reference along with her thoughts on the situation - she was very reassuring in that Smacky is not alone in all this seeming hypersensitivity and anxiousness. Until I learn more though, it's a big comfort to know that between his episodes of nervousness there will be times like today when his mind is free and if he is thinking about things, it's simply that.

Retrieving can be hard work.

***

And yeah, the Pats blew it. I'm so not into football other than Tom Brady being quite a stunning man...Mr. Stunner couldn't pull it off tonight though, which is fine with me. The Giants were the underdogs and who doesn't love it when the underdogs win? I mean, some of those NY players were so happy they were crying...and god love em, they deserved the joy.

(speaking of someone who deserves joy)